Camera

I've got to remember to carry my camera. The sky over me was beautiful this morning. All stormy and gray.

But really, pictures just move me. They stir up that synesthaesic mechanism in my skin that feeds my writer self.

And I'm a dolt..by a good camera and never remember to use it? Geesh!

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On purpose

I went because I don't sleep.

I left with a psych consult and a scrip. (two medical-ese terms I'd never have used before watching E.R.)

I don't know how I got to this place. I'm supposed to be better than this, somehow. I've always handled "the blues" by myself and successfully. I guess. Maybe that's not being fair to myself. A lot led to this point.

***************************

One of my friends told us yesterday that his supervisor signed an email to him with "have good day on purpose."

What a great closing, great piece of advice.

The other day, in a bookstore, I found a book called Happiness is a Choice. Sure it is.

No, I'm not being sarcastic--happiness is a choice. It's just not a choice all of us can make and follow through with. Sometimes we aren't equipped to follow through. Sometimes, things deeper-seated than our thoughts are in the way.

I, on purpose, expect to have good, good days. Unfortunately, something in my head limits that sometimes. That's part of the reason why, though I'm surprised at how my visit turned out, I'm not..really.
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Red House



P sent me this today. I think I'm supposed to dance to it. Really would prefer a glass of wine and a snuggle.
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On Fire

"The inner fire is the most important thing mankind possesses." ~Edith Sodergran

Isn't this true? Maybe not the most important thing, but without some sort of inner fire, what drives us?

That's what I've been trying to figure out lately. Just what drives me.
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Daring to Breathe

I know..I know..I've been absent yet again.

I've been learning to breathe.

I've been daring to move.

I've been figuring out home.

Obviously, I've been listening to a lot of Switchfoot, too. Actually, a lot of their stuff (and Creed's, and Keith Urban's, and--of all things--Barenaked Ladies, is what hits my playlist when I'm learning to breathe.)

In all seriousness. I've been floundering. Emotionally, psychologically, physically...you name a "-ally" and that's what I've been struggling with. But since I've got a new focus, I plan to be more intentional with writing here and just life in general.

I've spent enough time learning how to breathe. Now it's time to dare myself to breathe. And that's what I'm doing. Starting today.

While I gear up to do that (and yes, there's a post in the works for it, as well as a makeover for the ol' Clock), here's a BNL song that I love...because it makes me giggle.

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Jon & Kate = Big Freakin' Mess

I can't believe I arranged my evening based on a reality TV show last night. That irks me.

I think what irks me more is that the show was "Jon & Kate +8." We all knew what was coming, how could ANYONE have been surprised. I can't believe I took pleasure in watching the disintegration of a marriage, complete with callousness and bitterness on air last night. But it was sold to me. I had to watch it.

I didn't realize just how ridiculous I was until much later last night. A good friend called. C. has recently gotten hooked on Jon & Kate. Who knows why--he's a boy and there are no good explanations for anything he does. *wink*

We got to talking about why the world has progressed to the point that we can't wait for the opportunity to watch someone else's pain, why we live for drama. Not literally all of us "we," but we, society in general. It's really rather sad that we've allowed ourselves to become this way.

We all know the why and the how. It's just really sad. And I understand that this is why some people don't mind not ever watching TV. It really isn't worth the drama or the pointless shows. Reality TV shows aren't for showing the world at it's best, they're for showing the world at it's worst.

Our whole conversation left me in a weird sea of emotions--the one I liked the least was having to admit that I'd succumbed to the ridiculousness. But if someone had to point it out (with out pointing and laughing, of course), I'm rather glad it was C.
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Sleeping

I'm not understanding something that's happening when I go to bed lately.

I fall asleep, on my back, small dog (The WonderDog!) curled up next to my right leg. I'm on the left side of the bed. He's snuggled in between the quilt and the flat sheet.

By morning, he's in the same place. Nearly exactly. I'm on the right side of the bed, on my back.

I know I'm not rolling over him, and unless there's a really good reason, he sleeps through the night.
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A bug's life..

I've been absent again. And now I'm tardy. Over at RevGalBlogPals, the Friday Five theme a few days ago was bugs.

Sophia shared..

This got me thinking about spiritual insect trivia: Did you know that medieval mystics and theologians esteemed the bee for its dedicated work and transformation of ordinary ingredients into sweetness? That Spider Woman is an important creator Goddess to many Native American tribes? Or that Francis of Assisi was reminded of Jesus not only by lambs being led to slaughter, but also by worms (think "I am a worm and no man" from the Psalms)-- so he picked them up and took them out of stomping-vulnerable spots?!

In that spirit, this week's Friday Five is a magical mystery tour through God's garden of creepy crawlies!

1. Ladybugs or ladybirds? Pillbugs or roly-polys? Jesus bugs or water skeeters? Any other interesting regional or familial name variations?
Ladybugs (because Lady Bird was a Johnson who planted bluebonnets on the highways into Austin). Pillbugs--which are my favorite funny insects! I had to look up "Jesus bugs." I've seen them, but just called them "water bugs" which seems generic but covers so many things.

2. Stomp on spiders, carry them outside, or peacefully co-exist?
If they are coming towards me, stomp the boogers. If they are minding their own business and I'm not worried about them coming near anytime soon, I can peacefully co-exist. But the second they move, I see it as an attack.

3. Favorite insect?
Dragonflies. There's something peaceful about them

4. Least favorite?
Mosquitoes. Roaches. June bugs.

5. Got any good bug stories to share?
I hate june bugs. They freak me out and inevitably, they flock to my front door and attack when I open it. But The WonderDog...he LOVES june bugs. He'll catch them in his mouth and just hold them there until they stop buzzing. Then he'll spit that one out and catch another. He's such a nut!


For more Friday Five Posts, visit here.
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Random Thoughts

Just stopping in. I actually have some things I want to post, but must get past some things at work, first.

Instead..these are the random thoughts in my head as of late.

1. "Hank the Cowdog" is still my favorite book character for young readers. The "Head of Ranch Security" guards my office, even.

2. I've been dared to try being a vegetarian for a month or so. I must say, it's not going too badly. I've only fallen off the wagon once and considering that the food (which is always wonderful) did a number on my tummy, I've learned to avoid meat again for the rest of the month. I haven't given up dairy products or eggs though.

3. I'm damn proud of myself. I saved $50 at the Kroger Friday. And only $18 of that was because of my Kroger card.

4. I'm going to rearrange my bedroom again. I'm also going to change the colors in my bathroom, to better match the bedroom. I'm gonna go with the red.

5. The Rockets kicked ass. YAY!
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Lent...

Every year, I give up something for Lent. Yes, I'm Presbyterian, so it's not really something that we normally do, but I like the idea of the self-discipline involved. I like the idea that I'm becoming somehow better because I've opted to deny myself some indulgence.

In previous years, I've given up different things


  • Indulgence foods. I can't say sweets, because that's not really my problem. More like a can of Pringles or a bag of Totino's Pizza Rolls
  • Coffee. But that didn't work well. See, that punished others. And that's not really the spirit of the season, is it?
  • Alcohol. Some years, this has been a bigger sacrifice than others. This year, it wouldn't be much of one.
  • Other things I choose not to mention.

And then, on Easter Monday, I tally up all the money I would've spent on those things and cut a check to a local charity.

This year, because I'm already on this diet and exercise program, so indulgence foods and alcohol isn't really an issue (ok, not really an issue isn't being fair--they aren't much allowed anyway, so giving them up isn't really a sacrifice.). Coffee, like I said, is punishing others, so that wouldn't be right.

So, I asked for suggestions. P suggested cussing--every time I do, I'll drop a nickel in a jar. Hmm...since I do have an issue with this, it'll work. It is an effort in self-discipline, which is really what Lent should be about. (I have these memories of a great aunt who gave up jewelry one year for Lent. Really? Jewelry? I swear she whined more about not having it than she learned anything from it.)

So..it's official..I'll put together some little gadget over in the sidebar where I'll track for you how much money a local charity is getting. Sometime near Easter, I'll put up a poll to vote for which charity I'll donate to.

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