~Genesis 2:25 (Young's Literal Translation)
I'm feeling shy and silly and quiet. And giddy. Ever so freakin' giddy.
I never feel this way. I'm the boss at work. Supervisory and in charge. I make decisions, I'm the go-to girl. And then, I get home, where I live with a 7year old fuzzy-haired non-leader. So, I make the decisions there, dinner, bills, shopping. I even have control of the remote, though that may have more to do with having opposable thumbs than because I rule.
In short, I'm a very independent 21st century woman, who does not need a man and can certainly function both literally and figuratively on my own. I've done it for so long now I hardly need to think about it. It just is who I am.
But that's not who I want to be.
For all my stubbornness regarding being an independent woman, there's a part of me that just wants to be Donna Reed. Or June Cleever. With a little Scarlett O'Hara mixed in for good measure.
Which feels like it flies in the face of who I have made myself out to be. But we all know there's a "work us" and a "home us."
It's just that for some reason (or maybe because of someone), I'm feeling more like not stifling that quiet and shy part of me that just wants to be taken care of and, of all things, let a man do it.
I wanna be a girl...and just a girl. Be all Tammy Wynette and stand by my man.
I'm probably one of the few people of my generation (okay, relatively few) who will vow to "love, honor, and obey" when I marry my future husband. I don't think my obedience to my husband eliminates my brain or makes me less than an equal. The man is the head of the household, spiritually at the very least. And I want it to be that way.
But I do want to have my life away from the house. My work life. So...balance.
The Bible reference. Goes back to the idea that Adam and Eve were not capable of hiding from each other. They were naked before the other, literally and figuratively, and were unashamed by this. It wasn't until sin was introduced that either felt like there might be something to hide from the other. Which is sad, because it's made humans as a whole untrusting of others.
And I don't want to be that way. I would prefer to be "naked and unashamed" with my partner/spouse. There should be no fear of him finding something out about me, or vice versa.
Yeah. I wanna be June Cleever. Ward would be a worthy partner. I'd even take Wally and Beaver. However, I'd prefer that Eddie Haskell just stayed home.
Somewhere along the way I learned that writing things down makes them real. It also holds one accountable to making things “real.”
With that in mind, I’m sitting here on the floor of my living room, lost in thought. I’ve been thinking for a couple days now about different things. Buying a home, selling some of my crochet and knitting, getting another dog.
I just don’t know where to go from there. I need to save money for at least closing costs. Frankly, I need to be able to show that I have some money.
I need to knit and crochet faster and more intricate things. And quit feeling like I want the things I’m making for myself.
And I need to do the first thing (buying a house) before I can get another dog.
So..here it is. The 3 things I want to do.
But, also…I need to write more. So, maybe doing that will help me not spend money, and find things that will help me make a little money off of my handiwork. And maybe it’ll help me decide about a dog. We’ll see.
More importantly, it’s been a good month since I’ve gotten enough sleep to get me through the day. Of course, if I weren’t doing 3 jobs in one 8 hour work day, I wouldn’t have this problem. Maybe.
I’m not feeling it right now. And by “it” I mean centered, productive, happy. Well, maybe happy, but not joyous. Even Easter, my favorite time for renewal and recharging was disappointing this year . I just was too tired to give much of a damn. So, I sat and enjoyed by stayed rather uninvolved.
Two months ago I had a major surgery. Up until that point, this…listlessness I’ve been feeling I could attribute to feeling like crap 26 hours a day. Multiple diagnoses, multiple meds. All to eventually be incredibly relieved after surgery. If ever there was a miracle surgery, having a rib removed was mine.
But today, after a month of insomnia, piled on top of 3 weeks of cramming 3 full time jobs into 8 hours a day, and feeling almost as bad as I did a month before surgery. Definitely can tell that I’ve been hard on my body.
But, I wonder…I know that I’ve dealt with some depression before. I wonder if having all the medical problems going on masked it for a while. Of course, now, I also wonder if coming off all the meds I was on for physical ailments was such a good idea.
Regardless, I have a sleeping disorder. And it’s being beyond disorderly these days. Even with help. What I wouldn’t give for one night’s uninterrupted sleep.