A Slight Oversight and Alot of Contemplation

Normally, I would never, never do what I'm about to. However, I think it'll make for some interesting comments.

**Names have been removed, just because.

The email I received:

I thought about calling you tonight, but there is an issue on my mind that I fear I cannot properly vocalize. I have now had a chance to sleep on it for 3 nights and my opinion is not wavering...

You made a tremendous impression on Sunday... attractive, intelligent, and a strong conversationalist. However, there is one deal-breaker that you announced on Sunday that I fear will always overshadow all of the positives.
I'm sure that this sounds really shallow, but I've always had a severe distaste for smoking. Generally even social smoking is an extreme turn-off in my book.

I'll admit that I should have been more aware that your response to smoking habits was "No Answer" and brought this issue to the forefront before meeting you on Sunday afternoon. I completely overlooked that selection in your profile and for that I must apologize.

So you know the philosophy... don't want anyone to change... better now than later. You are a tremendous person and I am sure that you will find someone who loves you for everything that you are. I think that it is the best that we end our dating relationship. I hope that you can see where I am coming from.

My response:

I must say I was more than a little surprised to read your email this morning. I very much enjoyed our afternoon-turned-evening Sunday and was looking forward to seeing you this evening. I feel that I should clear the air, so to speak, about this.

I have smoked on rare occasions, in the company of smokers and even more rarely when I'm stressed. I might have 6 or 8 all year. It's not something I'm terribly proud of, and I made the decision just last week to forego it entirely, for many reasons. If I never had another one, I wouldn't think twice about it. I think you've accidently overestimated my attraction (or lack thereof) to the habit.

Does it seem a little silly to you that a relationship with potential could be hamstrung when a simple question or two would have saved everyone the trouble? Part of me wonders if there's something else you're not telling me that has led you to make such an abrupt decision.

What I really wanted to say:

It matters very little to me that you're concerned with my smoking "habit." Had I not mentioned it, you wouldn't have known about it at all. What concerns me is that you were completely unable to actually speak with me about it. That, to use your words, is the deal-breaker for me.

Two things you should probably consider before dating again. First, one date does not make a relationship of any sort. Second, not being able to talk to someone about one small thing that you, rather obviously, don't have all the information on, is not a good foundation for any sort of relationship.
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4 Response to "A Slight Oversight and Alot of Contemplation"

  1. Glod says:
    May 2, 2005, 4:26:00 PM

    You should make a film. Of the blog.

  2. jayne says:
    May 2, 2005, 9:47:00 PM

    I'm confused. What?

  3. Rudicus says:
    May 3, 2005, 8:51:00 AM

    You sure can pick 'em!

    Probably a good thing that he bailed - sounds like he has communication problems anyway - which would probably be a bigger deal breaker than smoking a 6-8 cigs a year.

    To me deal breakers ARE important, and should be something that comes up pretty early on - however, he should have said this straight up - since it's not something that would be offensive. As a militant ex-smoker, I totally get his point, but it would be easy to say "hey, I have a thing about smoking, and I noticed..."

    Then you could have had an intelligent convo. Oh well, better luck next time.

  4. jayne says:
    May 3, 2005, 10:20:00 PM

    After the "meetings" I've lately, I'm just about ready to give up dating all together.

    One of my students read this post and said I just need to wait a few years--until he graduates from college. It's almost tempting.

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