This started as a hand-written journal entry today. And morphed into an email I sent an acquaintance. It was his email that sent me into a tailspin. I'm going to try to piece it together for you, here.

I was asked what I really want. Well..I have to tell you that question is what sent me into a spin. I thought I knew, though I haven't voiced dreams or desires in some time. I can't think 2 years down the road right now, much less 10. And maybe that's because right now I feel secure in my job (which means I feel secure in the things that go along with being employed, like financial security). I mean, they've let me be in on a big project--it would be a cruel joke to not let me continue that. And my district is full of politics, but they aren't flat out mean.

I've been struggling of late with my faith. I'm not concerned that it's ailing--I'm quite a joyous Presbyterian, thank you. I even feel like, for the most part, I'm living an active and what I call a "naked eye" faith. Meaning that Christ in my life is visible to the naked eye. I know, quite certainly, in Whom my salvation lies. Moreover, I am a rejoicing Christian

I'm just feeling disconnected. Out of touch with my own personal faith. A 'medicine head' kind of feeling. I feel a little lost and like I'm doing things by rote, not by desire.

Church on Sunday, grace at the table, prayers at bedtime. Yeehaw.

I read something this afternoon that feels like it applies to me. The guy was describing a 20 year old leaving for his first away from home college experience. The kid is in a questioning place, and the big question is whether to keep hold of the faith that he was taught by someone else or to create his own relationship with Christ that may not look like his parents. In other words, drop the one-size-fits-all model for one that is tailor-made.

I feel like, after 25 years of the one-size-fits-all, I've outgrown it. So, I'm praying for the ability to define my relationship with my Savior, not the

By the way, the book I was reading today is
Surprise Me: a 30-Day Faith Experiment. It's by Terry Esau. Yesterday I read Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture. I'm not done with Surprise Me, yet. But I have to tell you that if there's any book (other than the Bible) I'm liable to tell people they MUST READ, it's Pausch's book. I am completely humbled by his words.
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1 Response to "Seeking"

  1. Sharon says:
    Jun 2, 2008, 9:14:00 AM

    I know just what you mean. I've had to redefine me relationship with God and experience Him on a more personal level been feeling somehow disconnected lately. I'll just have to trust Him to handle the re-connection I guess.

    how's the stillness thing going?


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