The Clock is Ticking

This weekend has left me feeling a little weird. I had things on my mind anyway, important things. And then events left me topsy-turvy.

An early morning phone call, completely unexpected as most (if not all) pre-dawn calls are, upset me. It was a beg for help. Poor choices had been made, alcohol was involved. I knew this person needed the help. Knew that I was probably the only person who would be able and willing to help him in short order. I agreed to help, angrily, but I did agree.

My first feeling was anger--how dare he call me for help when he was like that. When I finally got to where he was, I felt a great deal of pity for him. I still do.

And then I felt some fear. Not of this person, but of this situation. I lived this once before. It's hell.

Getting upset.

Getting a few drinks.

Getting completely drunk.

Making a phone call to the only person you think cares.

I spent time in a relationship that seemed to be a series of this same scenario. The rest of the time was wondering what would set it off again. It's not as if it happened often, and that's not Jayne in denial talking. It really didn't. But 6 months in, I knew I shouldn't be there.

I stayed for 18 months.

I knew I couldn't "fix" him. But I feared that if I left, no one would help him when he got like that. He'd taken care of me through some things and I felt like I owed him my care. To be fair, I did love him. Knowing better didn't change that.

So, when it happened this weekend, with someone else, I was immediately dumped back into those feelings. It didn't matter that I don't have feelings for this 2nd person like I did the one before. I relived the feeling of not being able to breathe because I was so busy worrying.

The difference was, this time I was angry.

I often worry that getting angry at someone isn't right. And I don't just mean a little upset. When I truly get angry, I cuss, I'm mean, and it is far better that the person shut up and get out of the way until I cool off.

I was angry that this person thought it would be okay to pull me into this. I've no problem with someone asking me for help, but to drag me into a situation that I've made it clear I don't approve of and wouldn't be found in otherwise is another story.

I think I did do one thing right, this weekend. I didn't speak in anger. I've no doubt that it was glaringly apparent on my face. But I bit my tongue. I wanted to yell, he certainly deserved me being harsh.

But, I'm reading today, just randomly, as I tend to do between Bible studies. And I'm realizing that even Jesus was angry. I think we forget sometimes, in that leap between the Old Testament God and the New Testament Jesus, that anger from our Father was still present once Jesus came. We see those stories--Jesus with the tax collectors or the pharisees and saduccees--but we don't always assign anger to Jesus. (Interestingly, I wasn't expecting this at all, but RC Sproul's daily podcast touches on that same idea.)

I think where I'm going with this is that anger for the sake of anger isn't, obviously, ok. Anger with good reason is. Of course, you can't let this stop the work God is doing in or through your life. Christ certainly didn't. (What's that taught later? Romans 8:28?) It would have been insanely easy for me to ignore the phone this weekend after the first drunken phone call. But, this person knows I've got a big heart and will do what I can to help someone.

Maybe he was just using me. I don't know and I don't want to know. But I did get the opportunity to say to him that it was high time he got back into church. I don't know if he did or not. I know I tried, and that's really all that can be expected of me--to try, to plant a seed, to show others Christ through my actions.