The Monster...

Hi. My name is Jayne, and I'm afraid of the dark.

Really. This isn't just a matter of not being all that comfortable in dark spaces. It's a fear.

I have night lights in my bedroom. And a small lamp that's on all night.

I can't sleep if the closet or bathroom door is open.

I never, ever, get into or out of my bed when the lights are off. Even then, I tend to avoid the space under the bed.

When I do crawl in bed, there are rules: 1) Sleep only happens in the middle of the bed. 2)My ears must be covered. 3) At no point should any of my body not be on the bed.

There are flashlights and candles within easy reach in every room of my apartment.

I guess, thinking about it now, it's really a fear of being alone in the dark. If someone else is around, I'm better. Not nearly as bothered by it. If curled up with The Man, I'll even sleep in the pitch black of his bedroom. If I were alone in his room, I wouldn't sleep at all.

I don't remember it being this bad after I was about 8. I've never particularly liked the dark, but I was no more uneasy than any other normal person. But I dealt.

Then, when I was 20, the only time in my life I can't recall anything about happened. I won't go into the details, because frankly I don't know them. I know what happened because of what I was told and dealt with later, but the specifics of the actual event are encapsulated in my memory. Completely walled off from the rest of my conscious mind. When I try to recall that time, there's a hole. I liken it to blacking out. Time passes, you might even be involved in the activities, but you register nothing.

So, for me, being afraid of the dark is a manifestation of my fears of that time. I know what happened that night, but only from what others told me. I have no working knowledge or memory of my own. It's a dark space in my mind. It's my monster in the corner.

Visit Sunday Scribblings for more offerings about monsters.
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5 Response to "The Monster..."

  1. paris parfait says:
    Aug 26, 2006, 4:51:00 PM

    It's fascinating how the mind copes with what it doesn't want to acknowledge. I hope you get over your fear of the dark. Brave and powerful post.

  2. NuttersNotes says:
    Aug 26, 2006, 11:12:00 PM

    Yes...the mind....why it goes where it goes...who knows? I wish you well and hope the monster isn't too disruptive to you.

  3. Chelle Y. says:
    Aug 26, 2006, 11:49:00 PM

    I felt like I was reading about myself. I too am afraid of the dark, will never sleep on top of the covers, if alone, I'll sleep in the middle of the bed, and I will never ture off the light before I get into bed.

    And, I do not have a reason for all of that. I am just a chicken! :)

  4. Michelle says:
    Aug 27, 2006, 7:47:00 AM

    This is interesting, this idea of being afraid of the darkness that we hold inside us, and how it manifests itself. I hope that you are healed soon. Hugs.

  5. wendy says:
    Aug 28, 2006, 8:23:00 PM

    I too, have been afraid of the. I used to be a photographer...and dreaded having to go into the TRUELY dark room to load my film into the processing thing a ma jig.
    I would sing my self songs so I would remember to breath. there's not a thing wrong with a night light...Just don't use the TV...It's reallt disruptive to your sleep patterns.

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