The Clock is Ticking

Blog-shopping last week, via Mrs. Brownstone's blog, I came across Sharon's blog (aptly, and beautifully titled Reservoir--just the name makes me feel more at peace somehow.). On it, she shared that Bible verse that everyone views as comforting, but I never hear that way. Hold on, I'm getting there...

Be still and know that I am God;I will be exalted among the nations,I will be exalted in the earth. - Psalm 46:10.

See, as a Type A child of God, who is a little OCD, and definitely rather ADHD at times, I know good and well that God is not whispering those words in my ear, like He does for so many of you. Oh gosh no..He's YELLING THEM AT ME. Or, as we in Texas might say, He's HOLLERING.

Anyway, Sharon talked about stillness, and then told about an email she'd received with information about a Stillness Experiment that had been devised and was starting soon (today, actually). So...I read up on it, and decided to do it along with Sharon (and bunches of our closest, though as yet to be named, friends.). Basically, the idea is to make yourself be still. In the mornings, upon waking, you go through a pre-recorded 5-7 minute meditation, to set the tone. Then every hour on the hour (or near it) of your regular waking schedule, you stop and listen to a second pre-recorded 1 minute meditation. We're all supposed to be blogging about our experiences, too. Not hard..right?

So, let's see, I had fabulous intentions. Absolutely fabulous ones, yesterday.

Because I believe technology exists to make our lives easier, I downloaded the MP3s that Stacey Mayo recorded for the project and put them on my iPod (Chloe..you might remember her introduction here) and on Phoebe (my ultra-Smartphone..and darlings, my little Phoebe is the smartest phone there is!). I figure I always have one or the other and mostly both on me all the time, so I should have no excuse not to listen. I even set the alarm on Phoebe for the first hour after I would be doing my morning meditation (so that I wouldn't get messed up trying to do it before the coffee kicks in).

How'd I do? Um, got through the morning meditation. And then...well, by 4 pm, I'd only managed 3 minutes of stillness. And even though we're cautioned to not beat ourselves up over it--because that kind of counteracts any good we're getting from it--I am anyway.

But see, here's the thing, something was working against me. Part of the reason I want to do this experiment is not only to promote stillness in me, and even modest meditation, it's also to help me be more aware of my heart and God's working in it. I need to do this, I feel it in my heart, and can feel the stirrings in my soul.

Literally, guys, just thinking it now has my heart feeling so heavy..the way I did every time I tried to stop and be still today. Something's stopping me. I was good on the attempts. I reset my alarm every hour, and would start pulling up the meditation to listen to it. And the phone would ring, or the dog would bark, or...and this is embarassing, my brain started making a grocery list and reminding myself to call Dad so he could teach me how to put up the hurricane panels on the windows if something should happen. The last time I tried (about 9 tonight), I hit play on the recording and just as it started, I could taste Reese's Peanut Butter cups in my mouth. (Which I've learned to discern as a signal that my best friend is soon to contact me--those are his favorites--and he sent me a text within minutes.)

So, anyway, I just feel like the forces were working against me. I know at least part of it is my inability to just be still, anyway. But I should be able to get through a few minutes, right?

Tomorrow will be better.